I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you had me at cake vodka
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
