i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have feelings that need drinking.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
