I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
