I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
