I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
