Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
