I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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