how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
