there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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