i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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