So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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