He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
