Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
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You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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