How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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