apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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