What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He has the fingertips of a God
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