My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The Olympian is in my bed
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
