Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
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You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
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Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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