i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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