my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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