Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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