What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
