Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
