Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
