You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
