Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
