It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
