Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
