I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
