You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
