It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
