you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
