She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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