I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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