just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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