i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
