I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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