Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just found puke in my bra..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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