I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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