Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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