And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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