Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
