You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
