i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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