I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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