maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
