I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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