I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
