I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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