She is in my trunk
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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