i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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