Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
