God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
