Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
