Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i out mim tonsoeep
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