im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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