Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
