i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
