if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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