the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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