I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
