You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
